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 "The Burning Sensation" - Secrets of the Hidden Library - 2nd Annual Fiction Competition

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The Crystal Archon
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PostSubject: "The Burning Sensation" - Secrets of the Hidden Library - 2nd Annual Fiction Competition   Tue Jun 03 2014, 05:50

"I hope She Who Thirsts claims you for a pet!" the warlock spat through bloodied lips.  Across the dimly-lit chamber, the archon of the Azure Talon Kabal picked up a syringe and behind his emotionless mask, he smiled.  He flicked the needle of the syringe and walked toward his victim, taking immense pleasure in the warlock's squirming.  The craftworlder's restraints kept him still while the needle was jammed into his neck.  

The warlock began convulsing, trying to break free.

"Oh, settle down, cousin," Archon Drazoc chastised.  "That was merely a prick.  The burning sensation that comes after, however..."  This part was his favorite.  The warlock interrupted him with what was to be the best statement of the night (or day: one couldn't tell in Commorragh).  

" Do not call me cousin!  We are not like your kind!"  The warlock wore a look of superiority.  To some, the look would've induced anger, but to Drazoc it induced only laughter.

"I know you're not.  When power to one of our ships blows out during a boarding action, we don't shout...what was it you said...face me, cowards, for I am light!"

"You fought without honor!" the warlock protested.

"I didn't really fight at all," the archon said, smirking.  "When you ran forward in the dark, I simply thumped you on the head with my blade."  Drazoc flipped a switch to illuminate a wall of trophies.  He gestured to the eldar's mask, which sported a dent in the forehead.  "You practically did it yourself."

The warlock bristled.  "Of course, your defeat wasn't the worst I've caused.  I fought a champion once who rode on a jetbike and could not be shot.  We killed his wraithknight protector, though, and the construct's head blew off and crushed him."  He gazed at the dozens of ghost helms on his wall and seemed to recognize his own greatness in each one.  One was split down the middle and still scarred from blade venom.  "This one took a force of guardians to hold a webway portal long enough for exodites to retreat through it.  Of course, we waited on the other side of the portal, but it was a valiant effort anyway."  He placed the helm back.  The warlock was still struggling in his restraints and yelling curses.

"I bet you're wondering why I've gone to such troubles to hurt you, and I guess you could say it's just a matter of pride."  Drazoc touched his mask.  "After all, your kind did cost me my quite perfect face.  Warlocks burned me and now, no matter how many haemonculi I see, the witchfire always returns...  He turned to see that the craftworlder was seizing.

His face had begun smoking and the veins in his face were red. His neck and everything above seemed to be ablaze and his mouth was wide in a silent but perpetual scream.  "Pardon me for drifting off," the archon chuckled.  "Where were we again? Aaaah, yes, the burning sensation..."


Last edited by The Crystal Archon on Tue Jun 03 2014, 19:38; edited 5 times in total
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Tengu
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PostSubject: Re: "The Burning Sensation" - Secrets of the Hidden Library - 2nd Annual Fiction Competition   Tue Jun 03 2014, 08:56

Ah, yes, the best victim of all, a wussy craftworld warlock...Made for teasing.
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Cakeaunoob
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PostSubject: Re: "The Burning Sensation" - Secrets of the Hidden Library - 2nd Annual Fiction Competition   Tue Jun 03 2014, 10:25

How delightfully cruel! Very Happy

@The Crystal Archon wrote:
"When you ran forward in the dark, I simply thumped you on the head with my blade.  Drazoc flipped a switch to illuminate a wall of trophies.  He gestured to the eldar's mask, which sported a dent in the forehead.  "You practically did it yourself."
I think there should be another " after the word blade.
Otherwise, a good piece! Smile
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The Crystal Archon
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PostSubject: Re: "The Burning Sensation" - Secrets of the Hidden Library - 2nd Annual Fiction Competition   Tue Jun 03 2014, 15:07

I fixed that bit Smile thanks for the catch
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Jimsolo
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PostSubject: Re: "The Burning Sensation" - Secrets of the Hidden Library - 2nd Annual Fiction Competition   Tue Jun 03 2014, 15:44

Interesting story. I had a couple notes on mechanical issues, if you don't object.

@The Crystal Archon wrote:
He flicked the needle of a syringe and walked toward his victim, taking immense pleasure in the warlock's squirming.  

I could be wrong, but I think that since Drazoc has already picked up a a specific needle, it should be 'flicked the needle of the syringe.'

Quote :
The craftworlder's restraints kept him still while the needle was jammed into his neck.  

The last part of this sentence uses the passive voice, which is a generally less preferable to an active one. 'The craftworlder's restraints kept him still while Drazon jammed the needle in his neck' would be conventionally more acceptable, while still maintaining the same word count.

Quote :
" Do not call me cousin!  We are not like your kind!"  The warlock wore a look of superiority.  To some, the look would've induced anger, but to Drazoc it induced only laughter.  "I know you're not.  When power to one of our ships blows out during a boarding action, we don't shout...what was it you said...face me, cowards, for I am light!"

The beginning of Drazoc's dialogue should also be the beginning of a new paragraph.

Quote :
He turned to see that the craftworlder was seizing out.

His face had bugun smoking and the veins in his face were red. His neck and everything above seemed to be ablaze and his mouth was wide in a silent but perpetual scream.  "Pardon me for drifting off," the archon chuckled."

I think you meant 'his face had begun smoking.'

The only other mechanical issue was with dialogue attribution. While the majority of editors I know prefer that dialogue attribution be 'said' unless it is vitally necessary that another word be used, there is a small minority that disagree. Usually, it's safer to avoid unusual alternatives. Personally, I would change 'chuckled' and 'smirked' to 'said,' since they don't convey any information that we don't already have (Drazoc is gloating).

The term 'seizing out,' while not mechanically incorrect, seemed a little bit out-of-place to me. It sounds to my ear like human slang. Would 'seizing violently' or 'seizing his last' fit better?

With the exception of the spelling issue, of course, all of these have the possibility of being intentional artistic choices. If you think their inclusion strengthens the story, then by all means stand your ground and discount my opinion entirely.

In any event, good luck to you! Very Happy 
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The Crystal Archon
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PostSubject: Re: "The Burning Sensation" - Secrets of the Hidden Library - 2nd Annual Fiction Competition   Tue Jun 03 2014, 18:59

Thanks for the comments! A few of those were artistic choices, but I do appreciate the mechanical issues you found Smile
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PostSubject: Re: "The Burning Sensation" - Secrets of the Hidden Library - 2nd Annual Fiction Competition   Fri Jun 27 2014, 04:51

Definitely one of the best 'punchline' stories in the competition. The pacing and construction was very unique and had a tempo all its own.

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