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 The Pride of Chogoris - Secrets of the Hidden Library 2nd annual fiction competition entry

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Jimsolo
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PostSubject: The Pride of Chogoris - Secrets of the Hidden Library 2nd annual fiction competition entry   Tue May 13 2014, 08:45

The Pride of Chogoris

By the time that Khoju Khan's lightning claws tore through the door to the fusion reactor control room, two hundred seconds had passed from the moment he teleported to the surface of the asteroid base. Only sixteen minutes since the Gladius-class frigate Pride of Chogoris had arrived in the asteroid belt to bring the White Scars' hunt to an end. Three months since Khoju had learned Vaejin the Tailor was holed up in the abandoned fusion plant. Sixteen years since Kyublai Khan had added the haemonculus's name to the Scroll of Vengeance. And fifty-two long years since Vaejin had dared to set foot on Chogoris itself to abduct twenty-five scouts from the chapter's training fields.

The office of the control room was empty of enemies. Vaejin's pale form lounged behind the administrator's desk, regarding Khoju with detached amusement. Khoju couldn't suppress a feral grin. Three times Vaejin had been reported killed, only to return later, resurrected by the foul secrets of his masters, the Prophets of Flesh.

"So good to see you," rasped the Tailor. "Although I thought you would take some more time to reminisce." His eyes flicked to the blood on Khoju's claws. "Or didn't you recognize your former wards as you slew them?"

Khoju Khan, Master of Recruits for over sixty years, winced. "Enough prattle, monster."

Vaejin rolled his eyes. "Do you horse lovers never learn? You slay me, by my master's hand I'm reborn, and we are ever as ever we are." He rolled his hand over in the air, lost in his own self-admiration.

Khoju reached to his belt pouch and pulled the contents out. A glittering chain cascaded from his hand. Though thin, the links had been individually forged from adamantium. Nothing in Vaejin's arsenal would break them.

"Your master cannot resurrect what never died. You will be dragged back to our world in irons. You will spend eternity locked in a gibbet beneath the steel grey sky of Chogoris."

Vaejin nodded appreciatively. "Very clever, Khoju. But you may wish to deal with this first." He tossed a cylinder to the White Scar, who caught it at arm's length. A meter long, the cold black cylinder was formed from some composite material Khoju didn't recognize. He glanced back to the haemonculus, too arrogant to ask what it was.

"That's the fusion reactor's primary cooling rod," said Vaejin. As if waiting for the eldar's words, a distant explosion rocked the ground beneath their feet. With a roar, Khoju Khan leaped over the desk, as Vaejin the Tailor broke into maniacal laughter.

As the moon ripped itself apart with a titanic blast, it crushed the ship in orbit, incinerating the force of helpless marines, who died ignorant of the raid occurring at that very moment on Chogoris, another crop of scouts abducted in the absence of the Master of Recruits. In the aftermath of the reactor's fury, no trace of the strike force remained. Nothing but the Pride of Chogoris, slowly crumbling into the void.
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Cakeaunoob
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PostSubject: Re: The Pride of Chogoris - Secrets of the Hidden Library 2nd annual fiction competition entry   Tue May 13 2014, 08:52

I quite like your use of the keyword!

This sentence is a little confusing:
@Jimsolo wrote:
we are ever as ever we are.
But otherwise a good entry! Smile
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Jimsolo
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PostSubject: Re: The Pride of Chogoris - Secrets of the Hidden Library 2nd annual fiction competition entry   Tue May 13 2014, 23:13

Yeah, it's an overly convoluted way of saying "same s--t, different day." I thought it might not play very well, but I wanted it to sound kind of over-the-top and elf-y.

You think it needs to be retooled?
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Cakeaunoob
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PostSubject: Re: The Pride of Chogoris - Secrets of the Hidden Library 2nd annual fiction competition entry   Tue May 13 2014, 23:33

I originally read it as "we are ever as we are", which made a little more sense to me but if it sounds right to you then it's right.
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Anterzhul
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PostSubject: Re: The Pride of Chogoris - Secrets of the Hidden Library 2nd annual fiction competition entry   Tue May 13 2014, 23:38

I like the sentence, but maybe that is just my inner poet enjoying a chiasmus. It also confers the general concept of DE immortality quite well, as well as the haems attitude.

Also, scientific note, it's usually fission(not fusion) reactors having meldowns and going BOOM through a chain reaction, fusion (our present day mon-keigh experiments of it) use electromagnetic field to contain the billions of degrees(literally billions)

Fusion does sound cooler(pun intended) though

As for the story, really like the dynamic between the two: direct, to the point SM and a tricksy eldar. I enjoyed one line in particular:
"Or didn't you recognize your former wards as you slew them?"

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Jimsolo
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PostSubject: Re: The Pride of Chogoris - Secrets of the Hidden Library 2nd annual fiction competition entry   Wed May 14 2014, 01:44

Good point about fusion. I just went with that because I figured if an Imperium-run fusion reactor went wrong, there'd be a much bigger catastrophe. I didn't think a fission reactor exploding would have the power to knock out a ship in orbit.

Perhaps changing the cooling rod to some component necessary to maintain the magnetic field might suffice?

Have to think that one over...
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Salvarin
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PostSubject: Re: The Pride of Chogoris - Secrets of the Hidden Library 2nd annual fiction competition entry   Sun May 18 2014, 00:02

Interesting battle of pride, wits, and narcissism on both sides! Looks like the Dark Eldar took the gold on this one though! Great story.
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Jimsolo
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PostSubject: Re: The Pride of Chogoris - Secrets of the Hidden Library 2nd annual fiction competition entry   Tue May 20 2014, 02:18

Thanks! There's definitely some stiff competition out there, though!
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PostSubject: Re: The Pride of Chogoris - Secrets of the Hidden Library 2nd annual fiction competition entry   Tue May 20 2014, 21:56

Oh, I liked that one. it was just perfect
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PostSubject: Re: The Pride of Chogoris - Secrets of the Hidden Library 2nd annual fiction competition entry   Wed Jun 25 2014, 04:44

I really liked how the name of the ship sneaks up on you, because it’s using ‘Pride’ in one meaning first, and then a different meaning later, and I think that’s really quite clever.

I also do have to say a personal 'thank you' to you because I think you did more than anyone in this competition to really help the community feel of the competition - you did a great job in visiting everyone's story and letting them know their work was appreciated.

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