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 Datura of the Cult of Lechery

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seggygetshyphy
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PostSubject: Datura of the Cult of Lechery   Mon May 12 2014, 03:05

Five Fenrisian Wolves circled around the champion Syren.  Datura closed her eyes and arched her back in a long stretch letting her arms fall to her sides and nearly releasing her Venom Blade and Shardnet. The alpha wolf who seemed to have some sort of cybernetic enhancements bellowed an almost echoed, tinnie howl.  Datura’s only movement was to open her eyes.

   With movement that would be hidden within a lens shutter, Datura was behind the attacking wolves.  Her Shardnet enveloped one wolf that responded with a pup’s whimper.  As the wolves gained their bearing, Datura seemed to begin to dance.  Her Venom Blade was her partner in this martial dance that beheaded one wolf, crippled the spine of another, and left a third coughing up blood from an attack that was so quick none could pinpoint exactly where it had been struck.  Datura’s expression had barely changed almost as if she where bored with the fight.  The alpha Cyberwolf growled and hunched forward preparing to pounce.  The wolf lunged forward, and sunk it’s teeth in.  Similar to the matadors of ancient Terra, Datura uncoupled her armor and let the canine take her breastplate.  A corset and cleavage where exposed and the crowd roared.

   Datura smirked.  Giving the crowd what they wanted kept the seats filled. It kept the Archon’s Kabals within their control. It kept the Haemonculi Coven’s supply of drugs and weapons steady.  It kept the Arena open, so she and her Cult could continue to kill. It’s hard for a Mon’ Keigh to understand how this debauchery could make one proud, but Datura’s pride in her work was limitless, and she is a goddess of destruction for thousands of witnesses on a nightly basis.

    The Venom Blade flew through the air and sunk into the sand with near silence, and Datura drew her Powerblade.  She leaped forward and began hacking the wolf to pieces.  This was not pretty.  This was not graceful.  This was feral and brutal.  Datura’s eyes widened and pupils constricted.  Her teeth where gritted and bared. Blood spurted from arterial wounds and the wolf slumped to the ground. Datura was a butcher carving up today’s special.  She began to grunt as she hacked, and the carcass began to look less like a wolf and more like a crimson puddle.  Datura finally gathered herself and looked up at the crowd with heavy breaths.  The crowd had been cheering furiously the entire time, but Datura was hearing it only as the Adrenalight in her veins was starting to subside. It seemed as though the whites of her eyes where the only part of her that hadn’t been dyed red.

    A deep bass horn bellowed shaking the entire Arena. Datura was already wiping herself down as a fellow Wych whipped around with Datura’s Reaver Jetbike.  The horn signified the races where beginning.  The night was young, and there was much more to kill before this vespertine beauty retired.  Datura’s engine raced and she flew off into the fray.
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Jimsolo
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PostSubject: Re: Datura of the Cult of Lechery   Tue May 13 2014, 08:30

Good physical combat scene. You might want to have a friend proofread it; I think you might have some technical errors in there. (I am pretty sure that codex wargear like 'venom blade' and 'shardnet' aren't proper nouns in this context.)

Good luck in the contest!
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seggygetshyphy
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PostSubject: Re: Datura of the Cult of Lechery   Tue May 13 2014, 17:22

@Jimsolo wrote:
I am pretty sure that codex wargear like 'venom blade' and 'shardnet' aren't proper nouns in this context.

Thanks. It was more of a stylistic choice. Making them proper nouns in order to refer to them as 'characters'. I know it doesn't come across very well. Originally they where named weapons, but the exposition for that seemed to take up too much room in a story that is already cramped for space.
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Thor665
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PostSubject: Re: Datura of the Cult of Lechery   Fri Jun 27 2014, 04:47

I actually liked how upbeat it was. Not too many of the stories are going with just pure “yeah…this is awesome” pride for the DE, and I liked that.

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