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 The Locket - Secrets of the Hidden Library - 2nd Annual FIction Competition

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Anterzhul
Kabalite Warrior


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Join date : 2013-05-13

PostSubject: The Locket - Secrets of the Hidden Library - 2nd Annual FIction Competition   Sun May 11 2014, 18:27

Elaborately, she sat down in front of her dracons, ready to discuss the upcoming raid. An imperial settlement, loosely defended; she could already anticipate the anguish which would soon spill from those innocent humans, now still unknowing of their impending doom.

After she had taken a sip of her drink, the youngest dracon inquired: “Miss, what is your greatest pride?”, obviously expecting an answer along the lines of wealth or power. Instead, Archon Cae’llys reached over, to a drawer next to her throne, bringing forth an ornate box. She opened the box and lifted her hand to reveal a bronze locket which had been delicately polished and preserved, yet it did not seem valuable in any way. However, when she looked at it, her face flared in ecstasy, seemingly renewing her skin and making the color of her hair more vivid. Then she spoke: “Let me tell you how I got this.”

As she closed the box, not wanting anything to damage the precious necklace, she began reminiscing: “It was long ago, before any of you were born. At the time, I was my Archon’s most trusted dracon, always by his side in battle. We had set out to raid a large imperial city, and were met with fierce opposition, resulting in a long battle with terrible losses. As the battle drew to a close, I found myself next to Archon Bygox, inside the palace of the planetary governor. As we entered, I saw a little girl huddled up in the corner, clenching something in her fist. I did not have time to examine her, as the governor, even though he was old, jumped to his feet like a razorwing injected with hypex. He stepped forward and challenged Bygox, who instructed me to stand back and enjoy the pain.

After several minutes of fighting, the governor tumbled away, drawing his bolt pistol and shooting at the Archon, shorting out his shadowfield. I sensed my chance: I pulled out the dagger given to me by Bygox the day he promoted me, coated in a rare poison called Corpus Lapideas. As soon as Bygox stepped back to dodge the governor’s power sword, I stepped in and put my arm around the Archon, slashing the dagger across his chest before letting him fall to the ground. As he petrified, he looked at me, realising what had just befallen him, a look of anguish and despair.

I took up his huskblade, and, quickly slashed the imperial governor, who was still baffled at the sight of my action. His shriveled body fell to the ground. I walked over to the girl and said: ‘You see that, pretty little thing? Daddy’s dead. Now what’s that shiny thing in your hand?’ I pried open her pristine fingers and uncovered this amulet, snatching it from her grasp as the child turned away, sobbing in fear.”

She put the box away, and, flipping a dagger around in her hand, she said: “Don’t think you can pull that on me.”
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Cakeaunoob
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PostSubject: Re: The Locket - Secrets of the Hidden Library - 2nd Annual FIction Competition   Sun May 11 2014, 18:40

What a delightful way to instill fear into one's underlings!
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Jimsolo
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PostSubject: Re: The Locket - Secrets of the Hidden Library - 2nd Annual FIction Competition   Tue May 13 2014, 08:27

I really like the narrative, and the overall story is good. (Bygox is a great name, by the way.) I think her lines to the little girl come off a little high school punk-ish, but that might just be me. I think it might seem more Eldar-y if that one sentence was flowered up a little, language wise.

But you clearly have a good grasp of writing, so that might have been a conscious artistic choice.
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Tengu
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PostSubject: Re: The Locket - Secrets of the Hidden Library - 2nd Annual FIction Competition   Tue May 13 2014, 21:25

But shes speaking to a monkeigh, she doesn't need to be polished.
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Anterzhul
Kabalite Warrior


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PostSubject: Re: The Locket - Secrets of the Hidden Library - 2nd Annual FIction Competition   Wed May 14 2014, 15:17

First off, thanks all you guys for the responses.

@Tengu wrote:
But shes speaking to a monkeigh, she doesn't need to be polished.
@Jimsolo wrote:
I think it might seem more Eldar-y if that one sentence was flowered up a little, language wise.
As for that sentence, I envisioned her somewhat like a witch(not a wych, a witch: the ones who fly on broomsticks): regular-ish on the outside, seeming nice, but with a very dark intention
Also, she is speaking to a 5-ish year old child, wanting to traumatize it a bit more, if she had said something along the lines of:
"Thine father hast perished and all thou people of this mon-keigh exposition with it" or however Shakespeare would've written it, the child wouldn't have understood  Wink
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Tengu
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PostSubject: Re: The Locket - Secrets of the Hidden Library - 2nd Annual FIction Competition   Wed May 14 2014, 16:02

Perhaps her translator was dodgy?
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Jimsolo
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PostSubject: Re: The Locket - Secrets of the Hidden Library - 2nd Annual FIction Competition   Wed May 14 2014, 23:43

@Anterzhul wrote:
First off, thanks all you guys for the responses.

@Tengu wrote:
But shes speaking to a monkeigh, she doesn't need to be polished.
@Jimsolo wrote:
I think it might seem more Eldar-y if that one sentence was flowered up a little, language wise.
As for that sentence, I envisioned her somewhat like a witch(not a wych, a witch: the ones who fly on broomsticks): regular-ish on the outside, seeming nice, but with a very dark intention
Also, she is speaking to a 5-ish year old child, wanting to traumatize it a bit more, if she had said something along the lines of:
"Thine father hast perished and all thou people of this mon-keigh exposition with it" or however Shakespeare would've written it, the child wouldn't have understood  Wink

 Laughing  Alright, that's fair enough. Good read. It seems like you have a different view of huskblades than I did. (I always saw them as big, gnarly affairs, whereas the one in this story is more like a dagger.) It isn't bad by any stretch. Just different. It makes me wonder how the members of the 40k community as a whole visualize this particular item.
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Thor665
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PostSubject: Re: The Locket - Secrets of the Hidden Library - 2nd Annual FIction Competition   Wed Jun 25 2014, 04:54

I like this, it’s simple and direct, and is clever and is just a good classic sort of DE story. With a bit of cleaner prose it’s the sort of thing I’d expect to see in a codex, really. It is a very quintessential DE story.

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