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Cavash
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Location : Stuck in an air vent spying on plotters

PostSubject: Re: Unicorn   Sat Aug 09 2014, 00:05

It is obvious from your writing that you have a very good and wide understanding of many aspects of the Warhammer 40,000 fluff and it truly made this a pleasure to read. This is probably why I got through the whole piece this evening; something I struggle to do with fiction written by fans. I hope this in itself is testament to how much I enjoyed this piece of writing. Very well done. Smile

As a fellow writer I understand the need for feedback, and so I've come up with a few points to bring up for discussion.

First of all, I really like most of your characters, but the traitor Astartes feel a bit off to me. Actually, it's not the Astartes, but the mortals' reaction to such horrors being in such close proximity. These creatures are walking myths and legends of terror that many humans (in my interpretation) do not believe exist. To be confronted by them should make a mortal waver somewhat as they've just witnessed one of the Emperor's former living angels come to murder due to the hatred so instilled by “fairytales.”
Saying this, however, I feel that different writers can have very different opinions on how mortals would react with Space Marines and this interpretation works very well along with the story. It keeps it fast pace and flowing.
If you'd like to see how I see humans viewing Chaos Space Marines I'll share a link to a story I'm currently writing, but out of respect I don't want hijack your thread.

The combat scenes are very well paced, with perfect long stretches of description breaking into quick, brutal meleé to give a good idea of what is really happening, whilst keeping a reader enthralled.

One of the things I liked most about this story was in the third chapter when the Aralee meets with the Marshall. Having Tau converts to an Imperial cult gave me a face that can't be expressed through emoticons, but in a very good and curious way. I'd not thought of such a situation before, and I loved it. Very Happy

The last point I'd like to make is that the orchestral play scene of The Golden King is one of the most memorable scenes I've read in anybody's stories for a very long time. It's very unique and descriptive.

I'm going to add this story to the Harlequin's Tales sticky. It was truly a pleasure to read.

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Barking Agatha
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PostSubject: Re: Unicorn   Sat Aug 09 2014, 03:44

@Cavash wrote:
To be confronted by them should make a mortal waver somewhat as they've just witnessed one of the Emperor's former living angels come to murder due to the hatred so instilled by “fairytales.”

I never would have thought of that, but now that you've mentioned it I do see it. It was lazy, wasn't it? 'Look, it's chaos space marines,' and just got on with it.  Embarassed 

@Cavash wrote:
If you'd like to see how I see humans viewing Chaos Space Marines I'll share a link to a story I'm currently writing, but out of respect I don't want hijack your thread.

Hijack away! I think I need it. Smile
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Cavash
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PostSubject: Re: Unicorn   Sat Aug 09 2014, 16:19

I wouldn't say it was lazy, but it's easy to forget the presence that any Astartes bring with them. They're not easy to write as anything other than violent killing machines that are there just to be an antagonist.

Here's the story. It'll be showing the relationships between mortals and Marines, much more in the next chapter that'll be out in the next week. http://www.thedarkcity.net/t9368-the-annointed

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Barking Agatha
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PostSubject: Re: Unicorn   Thu Aug 14 2014, 00:15

Reading 'The Annointed' again, I think I get your meaning. I wish I could see the next chapter! I am humbled and dismayed by how how vividly you write the space meringues. I don't know that I can do that...

It's a bit surprising to me that the tau convert caught your attention. I mean, it's a major plot point, but to me the most important part of Chapter 3 was Aralee crying as she put on her makeup and not knowing why, and then her anguish at being unable to connect with Origen in the hotel room, which is why the title of the chapter is 'The Broken Bridge'.

With the tau convert, the fact that he is not wearing trousers and has, well, a raging erection was supposed to be funny, but also to represent the phallic aggressiveness of the imperial creed, which was supposed to tie in with Aralee's conflict between her perceived duty as an Inquisitor and her desperate need for love. It was important to me because that was when I really knew where the story was going, and why.

Thanks again for reading Cav, I really appreciate it! Smile
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Tengu
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PostSubject: Re: Unicorn   Thu Aug 14 2014, 10:43

Oh, don't be desolate, Agatha, this is the best fic in a long time.

(mine got ate by mandrakes)

I liked your play too, but it would have made more sense to me to have the verse lines presented in verse format?
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Barking Agatha
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PostSubject: Re: Unicorn   Thu Aug 14 2014, 12:13

I wanted to avoid the 'tumpty tumpty tumpty tum' that you get... Smile
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