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 Kaegan's folly

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vexator
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PostSubject: Kaegan's folly   Sat Jun 29 2013, 13:50

Part one.


Keagan's screams echoed down the hall, he fought for his life like a cornered ur-ghul, kicking and flailing wildly to escape his gaolers. There was no escape, the two hulking Sslyth had him in a vice like grip with only his legs able to move freely, although having them flailing in mid air was doing nothing to arrest his descent down the dimly lit hall.
Kaegan craned his head around the shoulder of one of the serpentile creatures to catch a glimpse of his destination, in doing so he saw that at the end of the hall was a single door. The door itself was an unremarkable metal construction but it was the rune burned in the centre of its form that made Kaegan's eys widen in horror, the rune of death, Mor.

The door opened seemingly by itself, nothing however could be seen of what lay beyond besides a pitch blackness that even Kaegan's Commarragh born eyes couldn't pierce.
The two Sslyth muttered something to each other in their strange hissing language, even Kaegan could hear the fear in their voices even though he didn't speak the Sslyth language himself. After a brief conversation they seemed to come to some sort of agreement and the Sslyth on Kaegan's left leaned close to his ear, "good luck, traitor" he whispered in Kaegan's own language before pushing Kaegan roughly through the open doorway.

With a speed of supernatural swiftness Kaegan leapt to his feet almost as soon as he hit the floor, spinning around to face his tormentors he was faced with nothing but blank metal, the doorway and Sslyth were nowhere to be seen. Supressing his confusion in the interest of self preservation Kaegan started searching his hopefully temporary prison.
Running his hands over the wall a thought suddenly occurred to Kaegan, how could he see in this place when before entering he could see nothing, a nagging thought entered his already overloaded mind, he had passed through a webway portal, he might not even be in Commarragh anymore.
The room was about five metres square, featureless and seemingly without an entrance. the walls were made of a rusty looking metal that felt cool to the touch, the ceiling and floor were made of the same rusted substance giving the room a curious cube like quality.
Just as Kaegan started feeling along the walls a noise jumped him, a low hissing sound seemed to be coming form the wall to the right of him. At first he thought that the Sslyth had returned to torment him but this noise seemed different from the deep hiss of those monsters. It was very high pitched and whatever was making it wasn't pausing for breath.
Backing into the centre of the room Kaegan crouched into a fighting crouch, if he was going down he was going down fighting.
The hiss was growing louder and louder by the second, forcing Kaegan's teeth to rattle together in sympathy. It was starting to grow painful, breaking against his brain like a tsunami.
At the height of its power it made Kaegan cry out in agony, as soon as the sound left his lips the hissing abruptly stopped. The silence was the most terrifying thing Kaegan had ever experienced, a million thoughts raced through his mind at once.
Then they came........

It had been so easy, a rumour here, a knife there. The rise to the side of Archon Valaisean had taken four years of careful plotting and positioning but the actual act of being his doom had been easy. Too easy.
Kaegan had made himself the first person Valaisean turned to in a crisis and the last person he would suspect of plotting against him. Friends were nonexistant in Commarragh but Kaegan felt thought of as such by Valaisean. That just made the betrayal even more delicious.

If it had worked Kaegan would now be Archon of the Kabal of the Splintered Soul but as with most things in the dark city things did not go to plan.
The final blow should have come in Valaisean's court room on his own thone, that same throne that Kaegan should now be seated upon.
It was perfect, Kaegan's trueborn squads were to be stationed ready to pounce once the poisoned blade was at Valaisean's throat. Everyone in the Kabal knew that the real power was in Kaegan and his one hundred trueborn dark eldar, that same power that Valaisean used to carve out his depraved little empire with would be his doom. The irony was a constant lover to Kaegan on the nights leading up to his coup.

Kaegan had been in his usual place at court, just to the left of the throne with a small group of hangers on and sycophants that Valaisean liked to keep close at hand.
The knife was concealed within his robes, the poison of choice, kai'ler'ac'as, or the hag's kiss, was coated on the blade, such a delicious poison, the unfortunate victim would literally drown in their own blood in a manner most satisfyingly painful.
All Kaegan was waiting for was the signal, a single trueborn would enter the courtroom and assault one of the incubi bodyguards stationed around the walls. This brave soul would be the bait, distracting the guards for the seconds needed to strike.
A borrowed shadowfield would keep the bait alive long enough to cause maximum distraction, then within the next few minutes the Kabal of the Splintered Soul would have a new master.
Only one thing troubled Kaegan at this point, where the hell was his bait?

This was the last thought that passed through Kaegan's mind before he was hit hard from behind by something metal and heavy, he collapsed to the court floor in a heap and just before unconsciousness took him he heard a sound he would never forget, the laughter of Valaisean.

Part two to follow soon....................

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Lady Malys
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PostSubject: Re: Kaegan's folly   Sun Jun 30 2013, 00:49

I suspect our prisoner has had better days ... I look forward to seeing how his political ambitions play out Very Happy

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Thor665
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PostSubject: Re: Kaegan's folly   Thu Sep 12 2013, 16:43

It could behoove you to read over your work a bit with editing and langauge in mind, you have a few clunky areas in the prose, stuff like "he crouched into a crouch" which just don't read well.

I'll also admit, the transition to the flashback felt clunky as well, it took me a few sentences to understand what had happened. I think putting a break between the two sections would really aid you, something like this;

@vexator wrote:
At the height of its power it made Kaegan cry out in agony, as soon as the sound left his lips the hissing abruptly stopped. The silence was the most terrifying thing Kaegan had ever experienced, a million thoughts raced through his mind at once.
Then they came........

--------------------

It had been so easy, a rumour here, a knife there. The rise to the side of Archon Valaisean had taken four years of careful plotting and positioning but the actual act of being his doom had been easy. Too easy.
Also, this is a bit of a pet peeve of mine, but an ellipses is three periods, not 'random number of periods'.

So a good pause...should only be, y'know looking like...this.

Not.................like this............


I did really like your descriptions, the rust of the room, the naming of the poison. Very evocative and a good placement within the concept of Commoragh. Also, the WWP bit was really clever,a nd I very much liked its use and it added to the story in a great way. I mean, how perfect is that for a prison you can't escape? Brilliant stuff, I want to steal loving emulate that idea, that's how good it is.

Looking forward to the next chapter.

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