HomeDark Eldar WikiDark Eldar ResourcesNull CityFAQUsergroupsRegisterLog in

Share | 
 

 A draft that I would appreciate criticism on!

Go down 
AuthorMessage
Cavash
Lord of the Chat
avatar

Posts : 3198
Join date : 2012-04-15
Location : Stuck in an air vent spying on plotters

PostSubject: A draft that I would appreciate criticism on!   Mon Aug 13 2012, 02:26

I have recently started working on a small project that has a genuine purpose, and that purpose is... make Tau interesting!
This is a first Draft of the first five hundred or so words of a story that I am currently writing, and comments and criticism would be very much appreciated.

Thanks, Cavash.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Shas’o T’au Ji’var’s squared face tensed into a snarl as the human attempted to charge him down. The Tau assault had been ruthless, swift and would be final. The Commander’s blazing blue Pulse Shots whipped by the Human that had dared to claim a world of the Greater Good for his Emperor. His lack of fear and extreme determination was admirable, but alas he could not be reasoned with. He was Human after all, and a Commissar at that.

The mass of Pulse Shots had not made him waver, and neither had the howling blizzard which thrashed against his exposed body as he furiously charged downhill, leading the rabble of Penal Legionnaires.

The Commissar’s hat had been lost to the weather, and he had discarded his coat due to its weight, but even without these telltale signs of rank Ji’var recognised the glazed over look in his eyes, and the mass of medal that took their place on his heart. Stepping back Ji’var traced the Commissar, cursing his malfunctioning targeting systems. He thought that the Earth Caste Technicians would have learnt since the last time a piece of his wargear malfunctioned, but apparently not. His excessive aggression seemed to scare the tiny Earth Caste builders, but the anger was not serving him well now.

Finally giving up with manually targeting the ferocious Human who was closing in rapidly Ji’var gritted his teeth and did the foolish thing he could.

He charged.

His feet managed to stay firm in the crunching snow, he was not deterred by the gnashing teeth of the Chainsword or the growl of the motor. He pushed back the foul smell of blood, and locked his stare with the Human.

Quickly they met, Chainsword sweeping at head height with unimpressive results. Shas’o Jiv’ar had ducked below what he had evaluated to be a fatal blow and now rose, arms locked around the Commissars legs, his bare head to the side.

In a brief panic to disarm him the Tau Commander stood quickly, flipping the Commissar onto his back with the usual light creak of compressed snow turned into a hard thud.

Spinning quickly he engaged the Cyclic Ion Blaster on his left arm and unleashed its experimental potency into the ranks of Penal Legionnaires. A dozen Humans had been shredded by the harsh radiation while others vomited, spasms racking their bodies in utter agony. Then he turned both his weapons upon the floored Commissar and opened fire.

The Chainsword dismembered the Cyclic Ion Blaster while his Pulse Rotator malfunctioned. If he survived this the Earth Caste scientists would be getting a visit.

Infuriated, Jiv’ar slammed the Pulse Rotator into the Commissar’s stomach, making him wretch before the Tau Commander trod hard on his wrist, snapping the fragile bones within. Smiling, the Commander looked down at the alien invader, his limp hand releasing the Chainsword. His face was a grimace and his other hand pawed at the Las Pistol that lay too far outside his grasp. His rotting fingers were freezing up, but the Commander did not have much care for the alien’s injuries.

“The Emperor has no place for you in the Imperium, xeno.”

“Then there is no place for you in the Greater Good, alien..”

_________________

Back to top Go down
Lady Malys
She Who Must Be Obeyed
avatar

Posts : 1095
Join date : 2011-05-18

PostSubject: Re: A draft that I would appreciate criticism on!   Mon Aug 13 2012, 03:43

Well, I must admit I don't really know my Tau*, but you have achieved a definite contrast between the violent and angry Fire Caste and the Earth Caste. whom I picture now as scurrying and earnest and perhaps a bit timid. The Fire Warrior, though, has a nice sense of doing this because it is necessary rather than mindlessly. When one cannot reason with a savage, he must be destroyed for the Greater Good?


*except as blue Grotesques.

_________________


~ Aim to please, shoot to kill. ~
Back to top Go down
Mushkilla
Arena Champion
avatar

Posts : 4015
Join date : 2012-07-16
Location : Toroid Arena

PostSubject: Re: A draft that I would appreciate criticism on!   Mon Aug 13 2012, 07:25

Really good,

Now onto the criticism: the one thing I think you didn't convey was the battle suit. From the rank I assumed he was in one, however pulse shots doesn't come across as a standard Crisis suit weapon, so for a while I was wondering whether he was on foot. I felt the size difference between the Shas'o and the commissar was not conveyed, each time you described the power of the suit for example:

Quote :
the Tau Commander trod hard on his wrist, snapping the fragile bones within

It comes with a comment that suggest a much smaller size (in this case wrist) a crisis suit foot is about the size of a humans arm.

Otherwise it was really good, the fire caste is very aggressive put they also have a pressing urgency/justification for all their actions which in some ways makes them more human then the imperium.

For inspiration I would suggest reading some Chinese history(tau are heavily based on the Chinese) and the interactions between nobles, warriors, merchants and the common man. The cast system is closer to the Indian cast system (warriors, priests, traders, workmen), so that is worth looking into as well. Another thing people don't notice is Tau are also inherently British specifically the colonial British Empire (expansionist empire with illusions of helping 'lesser' peoples), which incorporated many other cultures into their fighting force (Gurkas etc), relied on diplomacy trade to secure countries (Converting humans to the greater good by trading with them and offering them more then their Emperor), use contraband and illegal substances to control planets like the vespids (similar to how the British used opium trade to control china), using advanced technology and ranged superiority to defeat less advanced enemies (zulu wars). Specifically the fluff story in the old Tau dex about Aun'Shi making a last stand against the Orks is heavily based off the British last stand at Rorke's Drift against the Zulu. So reading up on the British Empire would be helpful too.

Hope that helps! Smile

_________________
Latest Report: BR4: The Repugnant Ramblers Vs Imperial Knights - 1250pts
Pragmatic Realspace Raider Series


“Even the Black Buzzards thought highly of him, and those maniacs were renowned for hating everyone.” - Tantalus, by Braden Campbell
Back to top Go down
Cavash
Lord of the Chat
avatar

Posts : 3198
Join date : 2012-04-15
Location : Stuck in an air vent spying on plotters

PostSubject: Re: A draft that I would appreciate criticism on!   Mon Aug 13 2012, 11:01

Thank you both for your comments and advice.

Thanks for pointing out the thing about the Battlesuit. In my head it was very much like the suit worn by Shas'o Kais in Dawn if War: Dark Crusade. It was that varuety of smaller armour, as I wanted him t be bigger than the average Tau but still only about the size of a human.

Thanks for pointing that out, I shall revise that and add it in.

As for the Pulse Shots, I did some research into Tau weapons and this Pulse Rotator weapon is essentialy a small number of Pulse weapons strapped to the arm. It is, of course, not standard issue, but there is a story behind it which is explained later on in the tale.

Thanks for your help, it was indeed very helpful. Very Happy I shall edit it and upload the better version shortly.

_________________

Back to top Go down
Mushkilla
Arena Champion
avatar

Posts : 4015
Join date : 2012-07-16
Location : Toroid Arena

PostSubject: Re: A draft that I would appreciate criticism on!   Mon Aug 13 2012, 11:14

I assumed as much (smaller suit and funky FW weapons) I just wasn't sure. As always looking forward to more of your great work! Smile

_________________
Latest Report: BR4: The Repugnant Ramblers Vs Imperial Knights - 1250pts
Pragmatic Realspace Raider Series


“Even the Black Buzzards thought highly of him, and those maniacs were renowned for hating everyone.” - Tantalus, by Braden Campbell
Back to top Go down
Sedarofe
Hellion
avatar

Posts : 37
Join date : 2011-06-14
Location : Tinkering around with playthings in "the lab"

PostSubject: Re: A draft that I would appreciate criticism on!   Tue Aug 14 2012, 03:48

After reading this I think I have a few terms to help give this story a little more polish.

Tau often refer to the human race as Gue'la. Often, the humans that are on the side of the Tau are referred to as Gue'vesa (Lit. Human Helpers).

For the Battlesuit, you may want to bring up it's an experimental suit. The Tau commander in the DoW games is wearing a new experimental suit that if rumormill is correct, will show up in their next codex. Normal crisis suits are piloted from a seated position.

Nonetheless, still you paint an excellent portrait of a battle.
Back to top Go down
Cavash
Lord of the Chat
avatar

Posts : 3198
Join date : 2012-04-15
Location : Stuck in an air vent spying on plotters

PostSubject: Re: A draft that I would appreciate criticism on!   Tue Aug 14 2012, 11:49

Thanks for informing me of the Gue'la term. I knew of Gue'vesa. I won't use it continually, however, as like with Mon-keigh I find it to be more suitable in speech.

I did some research into that suit and it is the XV22 Stealthsuit. The article for it says that it is becoming increasingly popular an is being used by more and more commanders, so it may be in the next codex.

Thanks for your feedback. Smile

_________________

Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: A draft that I would appreciate criticism on!   

Back to top Go down
 
A draft that I would appreciate criticism on!
Back to top 
Page 1 of 1

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
THE DARK CITY :: 

OTHER DISCUSSION

 :: Warhammer 40,000 Discussion
-
Jump to: