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 It has been a pleasure

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Posts : 11
Join date : 2012-07-28

PostSubject: It has been a pleasure   Mon Jul 30 2012, 05:56

I've never felt real fear until this moment. It's the moment when you realize all your hopes and dreams won't come true. You're at the edge and you're certain you're going to be pushed off. 

After I saw eight of my comrades cut down I realized there was no use in fighting. It had been like sitting in the waiting room at the dentist and seeing all the other kids go to back room one by one. Before I knew it, it was my turn to go to the back room and get the drill. 

I wanted to beg. I wanted to beg for my hopes and dreams. But then looked into her green eyes and Immediately knew it wasn't going to be any use. I almost felt a sense of pride in not grubbling but at the same time I felt sick to my stomach, like I had caught the flu or some other sickness. 

I was angry at the xenos for only a few seconds before I lost my strength. I was exhausted. I wanted to lie down, to fall onto my back and relax but I decided it was more manly to die on your feet. That made me feel brave, however that feeling soon subsided. I remember not complaining or crying when I went to the back room of the dentist. I realized even as a child that crying ain't going to fix your problems.

When the half naked death dealer paced around me, ready to finish me at any second, hope faded completely and so did everything else. That's when I ceased to notice the wild crowd, the lights, and  the xenos spectators. It was just the blade that caught my eye. Just like that emperor awful drill. Zzzzzz ZZZzzz

I began to think about my home and my past. I had felt a tint of warmth at the thought of my mother making me tea, then sitting down with her to discuss things of absolutely no importance. This came along with sadness. A sadness I had never had the misfortune of feeling before. It was like an awning of regret, loneliness, and hopelessness collapsing on top of my face. There was no tea after a brave daring trip at the dentist or should I say arena.

Tears began to fall down my cheeks. I wanted my mother. I wanted the comfort of being held again. To be taken care of. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare and run into my mother's chambers like a little boy. To feel the relief of realizing its all a dream and tomorrow they'll be tea downstairs waiting for me... Maybe a warm biscuit too.

I'm not sure how I fought off the urge to cry out for my mother. I think it was due to the fact that I had seen holotapes of wounded soldiers crying out "MAMA! MAMA!" as they struggled to keep their intestines inside of them. I didn't want to be like them.
I was cringing. The moment was coming for me to die. Like the dentist revving his drill above my mouth. ReEZZzz ... It hit home. I was actually going to die. Death is real. This was real. I hated the dentist.

The blade hurt as much as I thought it would... When the metal entered my gut every inch of my body tightened around the alien object in my upper intestines.

She twisted it, making it more painful. She was smiling at me as she did this. I didn't feel anger, just my body overloading. I had intended to say "frak you" but all I could get out was a gurgle of blood as the pain was too much to bare.

I tasted copper when I felt my insides rip apart. There was pain... much pain. But after only few moments  it faded away. When she removed the blade I had fallen backwards and onto my back.

I guess I should've laid down in the first place. Maybe then I could've enjoyed a few moments of relaxation. Ah but what did it matter now? I would be in the same position... My insides would still be pouring out and I'd still be without my mother's tea.

All I could see now were the blurry lights of the xenos stadium. My vision was focusing in and out as I heard a chiming of bells. Then I heard chanting... They were all wildly chanting  "Zehra" if I recall correctly. Maybe it meant "finish him" ? 

I closed my eyes after that. I was tired and I needed rest. The last part I felt was relief. Relief like after the dentist. Tell mother to put the kettle on. I think I'll need a cup or two after this ordeal. And I can't wait for the Guard to tell mommy how brave her little boy was.

Last edited by Shadowsnip on Tue Jul 31 2012, 22:02; edited 1 time in total
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Lord of the Chat

Posts : 3198
Join date : 2012-04-15
Location : Stuck in an air vent spying on plotters

PostSubject: Re: It has been a pleasure   Mon Jul 30 2012, 10:06

Great work! Smile

There are a couple of tips that I'd give, such as changing 'God no' to 'Emperor no', but all that does is make the humans a bit more imperial.

This did make me smile, however. Little bits like 'Maybe a warm biscuit too' really made the charecter seem innocent and helpless.

(To anybody who's asking why Zehra is in this story: http://www.thedarkcity.net/t3657-vect-is-watching)


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In Exile

Posts : 218
Join date : 2011-07-02

PostSubject: Re: It has been a pleasure   Tue Jul 31 2012, 02:10

Oh, wow, I'm so flattered!!! Thank you so much!!! ^.^
The only thing is I have Zehra having green eyes, that resemble acid.
Still I'm so flattered!!! ^.^
If you want, we can discuss our characters history!!! I like sharing what I have of Zehra's history so far!!! It took me awhile to make it. Smile
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Lady Malys
She Who Must Be Obeyed

Posts : 1095
Join date : 2011-05-18

PostSubject: Re: It has been a pleasure   Tue Jul 31 2012, 02:33

Your descriptive narrative and your characterisation are excellent Smile The style really conveys someone just caught up in a hell that was not of his own making.


~ Aim to please, shoot to kill. ~
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Posts : 11
Join date : 2012-07-28

PostSubject: Re: It has been a pleasure   Tue Jul 31 2012, 22:09

Fixed! Very Happy thanks for all the comments and Zehra I would love to Read about the wych who killed all my guardsmen haha pm when you get the chance. And thanks again guys!
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