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 Phoenix Eternal

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Cavash
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PostSubject: Phoenix Eternal   Sat Sep 17 2016, 16:43

Phoenix Eternal

I don't know what to call this, really. No title is sticking out at me. Anyhow, I hope you enjoy it. More shall be posted soon.

Content warning:
 

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“Do you think it will work?”

“She will wake up or her heart will collapse. Either way I am anxious for results”

The distinctive whipping noise of envenomed splinters cracked into the distant corner of the room. Percussive waves were dulled by walls to turn them into the hollow beat of drums. She could hardly distinguish between the voices and the warzone she had found herself in.

The occasional blast of darklight shone through the shattered windows to show the cosmic smattering of dust that hung motionless. In a momentary flash she caught glimpse of the two who were working upon her. Both were male. One held an dispenser filled with a dull yellow substance.

“Finally, she awakes.” The first muttered.

“Oh... that is... delightful.” The second lowered the dispenser and pulled the scarf down from around his mouth. His movements were complimented by the jingling orchestra of scalpels and syringes hooked onto his ragtag leather bodysuit.

The first one remained crouched, staring at her. “So. Where is the package?”An explosion, closer than the previous blasts, shook the foundation of the building. “Or, more to the point, what is really in the package.”

Breath had stolen itself away from her in the moment she tried to answer. She gasped and strained for words and her lips threw themselves into contorted shaped as her lungs defied her.

“Sarral, I think she is broken. She may need the drugs after all.”

“What excellent news!” The surgeon, who she presumed to be Sarral, spun to face them and pulled the scarf over his face. Gleefully he sauntered through the room, meandering around collapsed furniture and rubble. He never looked to the ground but his steps were deliberate and deft.

Without so much as a warning he plunged the needle into arm and unloaded the contents. Within a couple of heartbeats she convulsed and strained against her restraints with a shrill wail.

“At least she has found her voice.” Sarral quipped as the other man winced away from her.

“Right.” He said when she became silent. “Now that is concluded, onto business. I am Ynvar. My colleague with the hacking tools is Sarral. If my intel is correct, and I would bet my soul that it is, you are Tri'neska.” Ynvar tried to will an answer from her with a stare, but none came. He sighed. “Being Tri'neska means you're the courier yet you don't have the delivery.” More booms rumbled in from outside. Sarral whipped around at the commotion and laughed to himself. “You probably guessed that there are a few organisations after you, courier, or your package. This, I don't understand. I could if we could open it up and see what you were really bringing us, but you don't have it!” He struck his hands together and rose to his feet. “Without the delivery we cannot bring good news to our Archon or negotiate a way out of this mess.”

Tri'neska broke the speech with a wheezing cough. Phlegm dislodged from her lungs in fistfuls, filling her lungs with bitter green gunk. She spat it to the floor away from her captors. “You sure do talk a lot.”

“Do you think this is some kind of joke?” Ynvar turned on his heels as he paced back and forth. What little light came through caught the edges of his armour in streaks of smouldering red. “Do you have any idea who you are dealing with?”

“Kabal of the Phoenix Eternal. Some lackey called Ynvar.”

Sarral snorted with laughter whilst turning a carving knife over in his hands. “I like her.”

The knife she had not seen Ynvar draw sliced her cheek open with no resistance. She winced as the Kabalite lowered his face to come closer to her. “Do not test me. Where is the cargo?”

Beads of crimson wept down her face like wine staining marble. “I hid it.”

“Why?”

“In case this situation arose.”

“Sarral.” He snapped his fingers together, demanding the surgeon's presence. “How much do you want to cut on our friend here?”

Tri'neska heard the surgeon before he arrived. The first thing she noticed was his forked tongue running across his artificially sharpened fanged maw. He swallowed with delight, and judging by the coppery tang in the air, he had just sliced his own tongue open. “Nothing” he stopped, breathing heavily as he started to circle her, “would please me” she felt the sting of his nail run up the length of her exposed arm. He whispered the last word into her ear “more.” He whipped blood from his tongue at her before turning away and laughing to the sky as he waved a knife about, enjoying the slashing sound.

“We are willing to hurt you, neska. Doing so would ruin the relationship of our parties, but it seems you have already jeopardised that.”

“Cut me if you wish.” Her own tongue cleared some of the blood-flecks that had landed hear her mouth. “You can carve me up and make it agonising if you see fit. However, it sounds like whoever is trying to get in will be here soon, and I think I can assume that we all want to live.”

“You take us straight to the cargo and we will consider sparing you.”

“Consideration is all I need.”

___________________
Whooping, screeching, and weapon discharge was like precipitation in the air. It was the music of the eternal night that lingered in the city. Tri'neska was used being so drenched in carnage and had learned to ply her trade despite the anarchy. She was used to lingering in the shadows and following distant skirmishes allowing the majority to fall before swooping in a taking what she could from the carrion. She had often been called scum, or a parasite, by those with bigger guns but would laugh when she lead them into traps.

This was a different situation. They had spent most of their time in the building low to the ground as they made their escape. At least pinned to the slab he awoke on there was dense cover from walls and furniture. As they came to the perimeter there was far less to hide behind.

They vaulted out of shattered windows to join a cohort of what had been twenty Kabalites. Now eight stood, their splinter-rifles lashing out at the devils in the sky.

She grabbed a rifle from a nearby corpse, brushed off the dust and blood then felt its balance in her hands. “What in Vect's name is happening here?”

“Hellions. They followed you here. Must have been tipped off.” Ynvar called out over the cacophony before muttering to himself “Why would that be, I wonder.”

The sound of a sternum cracking is very distinctive. A hellglaive piecing through armour to then smash through a sternum is even more memorable. First, the violently rebellious scrape of metal resisting metal. Then the shattering of bone and the weak whine that comes as the diaphragm is mutilated. All of that rang through the whooping of the Hellion and the howl of the screaming-jet as he kicked his board into an upward spiral, Kabalite dangling from hellglaive like a trophy.

As he reached the top of the arc he catapulted the Kabalite into the air, allowing his allies to swarm like wasps to take shot at him with blades and splinters as he started on back down to the loathsome clutches of Commorragh.

As the body descended and limbs were plucked from it like petals the heart carried on pounding, never receiving a message from the brain to stop. When it finally made its way through the clouds of ichor to reunite with the ground what remained of it ejaculated viscera and entrails violently from small wounds that became chasms with the force of ejection.

And then only seven of the twenty remained.

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Barking Agatha
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PostSubject: Re: Phoenix Eternal   Mon Sep 19 2016, 03:35

I like it a lot! It establishes the characters, the mood, and the situation clearly and concisely. Mad writing skills.

If I may pick just one nit: 'it ejaculated viscera and entrails violently'. Technically correct, maybe, but the image might be sharper if they gushed or burst out? If only to make it clear that the corpse has not somehow got itself overexcited on the way down and just couldn't help itself Razz Also, 'violently' is probably redundant, because a corpse gushing out its entrails is almost certainly not being careful that it doesn't leave a mess.

I hope you finish this one, it's really very, very good! Smile
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Cavash
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PostSubject: Re: Phoenix Eternal   Mon Sep 19 2016, 13:01

Thank you very much Agatha! I am enjoying writing it so far. Very Happy

Also, I totally agree with your picking of the nit. I felt the same when writing it but I found it rather amusing and so kept it in. 'Erupted' is another term I think that would make it more clear.

So far I feel like Neska doesn't have much of a character to her. I shall expand upon her, though. There is only so much you can do with two paragraphs I guess.

Cheers

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Lady Malys
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PostSubject: Re: Phoenix Eternal   Wed Sep 21 2016, 21:26

Good to see you back in the arena so to speak, very good Very Happy I have always liked your Dark Eldar writing. This is atmospheric and immediate, with a sense of urgency.

Quote :
At least pinned to the slab he awoke on there was dense cover from walls and furniture.
Should this be she? I didn't spot any other typos Very Happy

I particularly liked this:

Quote :
The sound of a sternum cracking is very distinctive. A hellglaive piecing through armour to then smash through a sternum is even more memorable. First, the violently rebellious scrape of metal resisting metal. Then the shattering of bone and the weak whine that comes as the diaphragm is mutilated. All of that rang through the whooping of the Hellion and the howl of the screaming-jet as he kicked his board into an upward spiral, Kabalite dangling from hellglaive like a trophy.

And this:

Quote :
Beads of crimson wept down her face like wine staining marble.
which is just a picture in itself, to me. Very nicely done.

I want to know how they get out of the situation, or what happens if they don't ...

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Lord_Alino
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PostSubject: Re: Phoenix Eternal   Thu Sep 22 2016, 02:46

Interesting read Cavash, it makes me wish you'd write an actual novel instead of shorts Wink

That said, there are a few small nitpicks I have (mostly because of my writing style. I'm also not sure if this is frequented in the U.K like it is in U.S novels)


“Finally, she awakes.” The first muttered. - I'd usually write this like, "Finally, she awakes," the first muttered.

However, I can see why you wrote it like that, I'm just not used to it from the novels I read. (Some of the ones I read do it frequently though, like The Tales of The Black Company series and the Wheel of Time. That said, The Wheel of Time uses just about everything you can in a novel except for 'to the point' paragraphs.)
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Cavash
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PostSubject: Re: Phoenix Eternal   Thu Sep 22 2016, 11:39

I am glad that you both appear to like it! I am writing more on-and-off at the moment. Should have the next part up by the weekend, hopefully.

@Lady Malys wrote:
Should this be she? I didn't spot any other typos
Indeed it should be 'she'. Darn it. I actually bother to proofread and I still miss something out.

Alino wrote:
“Finally, she awakes.” The first muttered. - I'd usually write this like, "Finally, she awakes," the first muttered.
Some people do it how you would, with the comma at the end of the quotation, but I disagree with that.

Here is why: I am quoting a complete sentence. Within the quotation marks I believe the punctuation should be used to make dialogue work, as if everything within quotation marks is its own set of clauses that should have correct punctuation and work without error even if the rest of the narrative has been removed. Ending it with a comma rather than a full stop would give no ending to the sentence and it would merely carry on into the next piece of speech.

For example: "Finally. She awakes." "Oh... that is... delightful." Both are complete (one ellipse filled) sentences in response to each other.

"Finally. She awakes," “Oh... that is... delightful,” the commas are there for the overall flow of the entire piece, but could easily make it seem like one person is still talking. I would have to rearrange the story to explain who is speaking before each line is said by a different character instead of giving me the luxury of being able to mix it up.

So some people might like to do that, and that's fine. However, I disagree with it. I hope this makes sense Smile

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PostSubject: Re: Phoenix Eternal   Thu Sep 22 2016, 17:40

Okay finally got around to reading it. I have to admit I enjoyed it and it was nice to see the Hellions get some screen time, I thought it was Scourges at first with the Darklight being mentioned.

@Cavash wrote:
So some people might like to do that, and that's fine. However, I disagree with it. I hope this makes sense

What I tend to say is write in your own style. The way you wrote it may not be the accepted norm but it isn't incorrect either and if that is the style you are comfortable writing in then it is best you stick with it. When proof reading the writings of a friend of mine I try very hard to not let my own style influence his as he as a different way of turning a phrase than I do.

At least for my friend and myself we tend to write for ourselves first and other second.
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