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PartridgeKing
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PostSubject: Debt Collection   Mon Jul 06 2015, 18:39

“Ah, Lord Dracon, a gracious pleasure,” Intercessor Ril'ck purred through pristine hook-teeth, rouged with bloody sputum they glistened in the half light of the chamber. Yr'aanys sneered at the sinewy creature, his own spinal hump twitching into almost sympathetic rhythm with the other’s exposed heart. How he loathed that. He knew it was intentional. Their little marker of favour, of ownership. It had elevated him greatly, but oh how it rankled none-the-less.

“To what does the Shattered Helix owe your company?” The simpering continued, and the pulsing began to travel along arteries now, fleshy tubes delivering the enhanced blood throughout his augmented frame. His left hand tapped an involuntary staccato against his armour and the sneer split into an angry retort.

“Stop your games wretch, you’ve had your fun!”

“What games, Lord Dracon. There are no games, merely services we offer. You have come to us,” thump, “what” thump, “can we,” thump, “quench,” thump, “for you?” Thump.

The hook smile widened. Yr'aanys was caught, he pulled his fury back, let the quivering anticipation of bloodshed fade to that nagging beat. At least none of his attendants were present, that was some consolation, though taking his frustration out of an inevitable challenger’s hide might have diverted some agitation.

“Your services. I nee... want, your services. You hold a chit, Xaramis Q’sck’th. Collect.”
“Lord Dracon of course, we cannot speak of our contracts, with other,” Ril'ck paused sucking at the lacerations along his tongues, false sincerity layered thick across his thin features, “customers. And we could not collect when repayment was not due.”
“I want him gone, he threatens my position.” Yes, that would do. The hook, to make them believe their current investment was at stake. It was the only way now.

The hook smile turned down, sorrow as false as any of the things emotions now playing its part.
“Whilst we would be greatly aggrieved at the loss of such an ideal customer, we can hardly play favourites Lord Dracon.” Yr'aanys grimaced once more, his fine, angular features twisting into a mockery of their own. Anger flashed in that motion, but it was fleeting and tinged with desperation. And as the expression continued need gave way to something deeper, not mere ambition but a yearning, frantic, gaping thirst, a greedy desire that stuck to everything else and twisted it further. In that instant one could almost see past the youthful, sharp Eldar features to the ancient, vampiric soul beneath. Ril'ck's features shifted again. And the smile bared a thirst of its own, as predatory as anything lurking in the deep cold dark of ocean floors.
“But.” Thump, “then again,” thump, “you are our favourite.”

“For now.” Thump.
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Jimsolo
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PostSubject: Re: Debt Collection   Mon Jul 13 2015, 23:01

@PartridgeKing wrote:
“Ah, Lord Dracon, a gracious pleasure,” Intercessor Ril'ck purred through pristine hook-teeth, rouged with bloody sputum they glistened in the half light of the chamber. Would '...through pristine hook-teeth.  Rouged with bloody sputum, they glistened...' sound better, do you think? Yr'aanys sneered at the sinewy creature, his own spinal hump twitching into almost sympathetic rhythm with the other’s exposed heart. How he loathed that. He knew it was intentional. Their little marker of favour, of ownership. It had elevated him greatly, but oh how it rankled none-the-less.

“To what does the Shattered Helix owe your company?” The simpering continued, and the pulsing began to travel along arteries now, fleshy tubes delivering the enhanced blood throughout his augmented frame. His left hand tapped an involuntary staccato against his armour and the sneer split into an angry retort.

“Stop your games wretch, you’ve had your fun!”

“What games, Lord Dracon. There are no games, merely services we offer. You have come to us,” thump, “what” thump, “can we,” thump, “quench,” thump, “for you?” Thump.

The hook smile widened. Yr'aanys was caught, he pulled his fury back, let the quivering anticipation of bloodshed fade to that nagging beat. At least none of his attendants were present, that was some consolation, though taking his frustration out of an inevitable challenger’s hide might have diverted some agitation.

“Your services. I nee... want, your services. You hold a chit, Xaramis Q’sck’th. Collect.”
“Lord Dracon of course, we cannot speak of our contracts, with other,” Ril'ck paused sucking at the lacerations along his tongues, false sincerity layered thick across his thin features, “customers. And we could not collect when repayment was not due.”
“I want him gone, he threatens my position.” Yes, that would do. The hook, to make them believe their current investment was at stake. It was the only way now. Conventionally, each new speaker should start a new paragraph.

The hook smile turned down, sorrow as false as any of the things emotions now playing its part.
“Whilst we would be greatly aggrieved at the loss of such an ideal customer, we can hardly play favourites Lord Dracon.” Yr'aanys grimaced once more, his fine, angular features twisting into a mockery of their own. Anger flashed in that motion, but it was fleeting and tinged with desperation. And as the expression continued need gave way to something deeper, not mere ambition but a yearning, frantic, gaping thirst, a greedy desire that stuck to everything else and twisted it further. In that instant one could almost see past the youthful, sharp Adjective types have a correct order.  I could be wrong, but I think 'sharp, youthful' might be the correct version Eldar features to the ancient, vampiric soul beneath. Ril'ck's features shifted again. AndThe 'And' here is grammatically incorrect.  You can still use it if it serves an artistic purpose, but here you don't need it. the smile bared a thirst of its own, as predatory as anything lurking in the deep cold dark of ocean floors.
“But.” Thump, “then again,” thump, “you are our favourite.”

“For now.” Thump.

Perhaps, also, to allay confusion, you might italicize the 'thump' sounds?  It would better set them apart from the dialogue.

Good job, though.  It's a complete story as opposed to just a scene, which is a common pitfall flash fiction authors fall into.  The unspoken backstory here really makes you think.
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Creeping Darkness
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PostSubject: Re: Debt Collection   Tue Jul 14 2015, 04:38

Very sinister, I particularly like the way the confrontation took place both verbally and non-verbally, but without resorting to violence.

Good work!
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PartridgeKing
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PostSubject: Re: Debt Collection   Tue Jul 14 2015, 09:25

Thank you both for the feedback - competitively timed as yours is Jimsolo.

Briefly on formatting I would add that the above was written for the page, not for a forum and my own forum skills limit how much I can transpose the desired shape of the text into something that scans on the forum. If you're interested to see the piece in its original form it'll be on my website once I finish with the site itself.

For example whilst yes conventionally new speakers start on new paragraphs, in text this is done with simply an indented line below rather than the line break that the forum would require so in an attempt to keep the desired flow I moved between the full line break-paragraph for dramatic emphasis and pauses as opposed to using the non-indented new line-new paragraph method for quick retorts and to conserve the flow of the conversation.

Again, sentence structure was primarily chosen for emphasis and specific effect. The first one is as long as it is, partially because I prefer longer sentences, partially for the archaic style but most importantly to prevent that sentence becoming staccato and instead lend it towards an elongated, onomatopoeic purring sound.

You are correct that adjectives have a correct order - though it's interesting to see how rarely that is remembered - however in this instance that is the correct order. Youthful is the general adjective for all facial types where as sharp is specific to Eldar features, also if we're going to be very technically the phrase is 'youthful', 'sharp Eldar' as the Eldar nature of his features are part of the adjectival description, not the noun itself. That is, his features are both youthful and sharp Eldar ones, as opposed to his Eldar features being youthful and sharp. Subtle distinction to my mind and one of the joys of using prose - and specifically the English language - for 'art' and all that. Wow that paragraph sounds pretentious, apologies.

Yes using 'And' or 'But' at the start of sentences is grammatically incorrect, but as you say grammar rules are traditionally relaxed or considered more fluid when one is writing creatively rather than when writing in a non-fiction setting. Be assured my scientific writing is purely functional with none of the flair of the above.

In this instance it's actually the inverse of the first sentence I'm purposefully staccato-ing the flow in emphasis of the implied heartbeat and general rhythm of the paragraph. By adding the 'And' it's drawing attention to the break, increasing that staccato and again adding to the emphasis and overall archaic tone of the piece.

Personally I'm not a fan of italicising text in fiction for emphasis - odd I know considering everything I've said above - to me it is more about the position of the words on the page rather than the shape of the word itself. Again page vs forum I suppose and to each their own etc. had the deadline not passed I might have changed that, but it isn't a major concern in either case. Smile

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Jimsolo
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PostSubject: Re: Debt Collection   Wed Jul 15 2015, 06:38

Fair enough. I apologize for the late commentary--as I said earlier, I didn't want to read the other entries before writing my own (and a toddler has made my writing take much longer these days...) out of fear of being influenced by other folks' material. I hustled my bustle to try and get at least a cursory proofread on all of them, but I think I still missed a couple.
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PartridgeKing
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PostSubject: Re: Debt Collection   Wed Jul 15 2015, 08:28

Not to worry, it just amused me as the timestamp was 1201 on the 14th hence 'competitively timed' Razz. I fluctuate presence-wise on here, and am generally very specific as to what I have time to read,  enough at the mo that I've not seen your post about not wanting to read others until you'd written your own. Yeah toddlers are good like that, well here's hoping in the long term they take an interest and get to join you in the hobby.
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Jimsolo
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PostSubject: Re: Debt Collection   Wed Jul 15 2015, 23:00

Lol, then something is off.  I posted them all with between 6-8 hours left for an edit! Smile  (Maybe an issue with time zone display?)

EDIT: Mine shows 18:01 on the 13th.
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