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 Weapon of mass thirst

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dumpeal
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PostSubject: Weapon of mass thirst   Mon Jun 15 2015, 17:57

*Day 48 of the experiment.

The subject 1395 successfully reacted to the mutagen agent. Yet died to the first pain absorption. I need to lower the efficiency of the toxin*

Lady Meylarha frowned. She was needing this weapon as soon as possible, but the results were taking time.

Damned haemonculus!

She continued reading.

Day 52..... fail....
Day 69.... fail....
Day 71............. fail...

She sighted, but patiently kept reading. Then, a tiny rictus appeared on her perfect lips.

*Day 136 of the experiment:

The subject 3771 survived both the mutation and the feeding process.
*




Commissar Yoren slowly regained consciousness. His head was painfull and his mind dizzy. It took some minutes before he remembered the hellish place where he was.
He saw the infinite tools on the walls, then remembered the laboratory. And the experiments. They did something to him. He was feeling it in the inside. A burning fire slowly rising.

Yoren stopped his thinking flow: There was someone in the shadow.

-"Commissar Yoren", started the female voice. "It's a real honor to meet you".

The figure politely bowed in front of him, a heavy smile on her face.

Yoren stood up, facing the fiend. He would not give her the pleasure to see him weak. The Emperor was with him.

-"Who are you?" asked the commissar, with authority. "What have you done to me?"

-" "I" am Lady Meylarha. And "I" just gave you the most precious gift a mere mon'keigh can hope. "I" gave you the power of the True Kin". Her smile vanished suddently, her eyes full of disdain and anger. "You should never forget the honor you have!"

Her expression became calm again.

-"What power? The only power your race pocess is hiding from the smite of the Emperor!" He spitted in her direction.

The burning inside was just growing stronger and stronger. She kept looking at him, trying to evaluate his Thirst.

-"Does it burn? I'm sorry. Really. I know how you feel, for we all feel the same. This burning will never end. It is the Thirst. The thirst for the pain."

She pressed a button on her bracelet, and a door opened. There were two humans chained on a table. She took a pistol, and shot one in the leg.

Yoren's eyes rolled in extasy, while the pain waves were passing through him. The burning stopped.


-"They are yours" She said, while turning her back, leaving.

His cuffs fells on the ground. He looked at the chained men, as the burning started again. He slowly walked near them...



Lady Meylarha was pleased. The next phase was ready. The mutagen was ready to deploy on a planet scale. Billions of humans killing each other to quench their thirst. She couldn't wait!


Last edited by dumpeal on Mon Jul 13 2015, 03:02; edited 2 times in total
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TCS900
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PostSubject: Re: Weapon of mass thirst   Mon Jun 15 2015, 22:03

I think its really good. I just hope mine Is good enough. The only query I have is 'the results takes takes', was this supposed to be the results take time? But, apart from that I love it. It is just like a Dark Eldar Archon should be like.
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Tengu
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PostSubject: Re: Weapon of mass thirst   Tue Jun 16 2015, 22:49

Yes, yes, YES....

...What better way to torment a monkeigh than to give him a pair of Dark Kin boots to walk in?
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Dragontree
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PostSubject: Re: Weapon of mass thirst   Wed Jun 17 2015, 11:52

Really enjoyed reading this one, really nice pacing to the story, I am excited to see what else people produce, the standard seems to be so high!

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Surgeongeneral
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PostSubject: Re: Weapon of mass thirst   Fri Jun 19 2015, 02:22

So true Dragontree. This could be a case of a first place winner and a slew of one big second place.

And dumpeal: I really liked this story. Great job!
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dumpeal
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PostSubject: Re: Weapon of mass thirst   Fri Jun 19 2015, 22:46

@TCS900 wrote:
I think its really good. I just hope mine Is good enough. The only query I have is 'the results takes takes', was this supposed to be the results take time? But, apart from that I love it. It is just like a Dark Eldar Archon should be like.
TCS900

Indeed, it was "takes time" Thank you for this one.

I just hope there is not too much mistakes. I speak french, and my english isn't the best! XD



After the challenge, I may continue the tale, explaining when it happened, and telling if yes or no, did Yoren killed the humans.
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dumpeal
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PostSubject: Re: Weapon of mass thirst   Mon Jul 13 2015, 03:52

The door shutted, leaving Yoren alone with the two captive. He walked slowly near them, looking at the groaning man shotted. The wound was not bad. He would not die. He kept studying him silently for few seconds, the men visibly staring him with fear.

"What are your names, boys?" he asked.

"I-I am private Allan Vens, sir! 12th Cadian planetary defence force, sir." replied the wounded.
"And I'm caporal Jonas Finns, from 82th Oxidia's milicia, sir! .... We're screwed, right, sir?" added the other one

Yoren slapped him violently. The pain waves were less intense than the last time, but the fire merely stopped a few seconds.

"Get your crap together, caporal! The second you surender, I'll kill you myself. Now, I'll free you, and you'll get your ass up. Is that clear, caporal?"
"Sir!, yes sir!"

He was not as confident as he was showing. They were in the ennemy fortress, with probably legions of xenos. As the caporal Finns were saying, they were screwed. Plus... That thing inside him. When the private was shot, he never felt that pleasure before. And that burning, now. He didn't like to lie to them, as their chances of survival were very low, at best, but they needed someone to follow.

He started looking on the walls, searching for a tool to free his new friends.

"In a cage, 3 monkeys lied,
in few hours two of them will die.
Who will it be, I wonder,
but, heh! I'm just a spectator!"

The strange song came from the ceiling. They all looked up, and they saw a man dancing upside down, like if the gravity had no effect on him, playing a cord instrument they never saw. He was wearing a checkered yellow and black suit and an half-mask, showing a big smile. The smile was mocking, but not properly evil, as the Lady one.

"You know you're in trouble, right? You should either escape or die, but I don't recommand staying here. They are horrible hosts", he started. Then, he murmured "I heard they don't serve coffee with the breakfast!"

"And who are you, clown?", asked Yoren. "You don't seem to be from here."

"I'm a storyteller. I heard there was a reeeeaaally good story to learn here, so here I came. But, as a storyteller, I have one to tell you. Your captors won't come back before a while, so, don't worry. And, I think you should listen to it. After all, your precious Imperium is in danger."
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Creeping Darkness
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PostSubject: Re: Weapon of mass thirst   Mon Jul 13 2015, 08:20

Cool idea! And a commissar is surely an ideal host - though if it spreads to an inquisitor humanity is gooooone. Smile

I look forward to seeing it progress!
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Jimsolo
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PostSubject: Re: Weapon of mass thirst   Tue Jul 14 2015, 00:03

@dumpeal wrote:
*Day 48 of the experiment.

The subject 1395 successfully reacted to the mutagen agent. Yet died to the first pain absorption. I need to lower the efficiency of the toxin* Any reason you can't italicize the diary?  It might make it stand out, and is a bit more conventional.  Also, do you think "the subject X" or just plain "subject X" sounds more natural?

Lady Meylarha frowned. She was needing 'needed' this weapon as soon as possible, but the results were taking time.

Damned haemonculus!

She continued reading.

Day 52..... fail....
Day 69.... fail....
Day 71............. fail...

She sighted, but patiently kept reading. Then, a tiny rictus appeared on her perfect lips.

*Day 136 of the experiment:

The subject 3771 survived both the mutation and the feeding process.
*




Commissar Yoren slowly regained consciousness. His head was painfull and his mind dizzy. It took some minutes before he remembered the hellish place where he was.
He saw the infinite tools on the walls, then remembered the laboratory. And the experiments. They did something to him. He was feeling You've been in past tense so far.  'Felt' instead of 'was feeling' would be better. it in the inside. A burning fire slowly rising.

Yoren stopped his thinking flow: The preceding phrase sounds a little awkward to my ear. 'Yoren's thoughts came to a halt' perhaps? There was someone in the shadow.

-"Commissar Yoren", started 'said' is almost always preferable to any other option, unless you have to indicate volume the female voice. "It's a real This is within dialogue, so it isn't a RULE, but 'real' and 'really are almost always useless words you can cut.  I don't think you lose anything if you do so here. honor to meet you".

The figure politely bowed in front of him, a heavy smile on her face.

Yoren stood up, facing the fiend. He would not give her the pleasure to see 'of seeing' instead of 'to see' might work better him weak. The Emperor was with him.

-"Who are you?" asked the commissar, with authority. "What have you done to me?"

-" "I" am Lady Meylarha. And "I" just gave you the most precious gift a mere mon'keigh can hope. "I" gave you the power of the True Kin". Her smile vanished suddently, her eyes full of disdain and anger. "You should never forget the honor you have!"

Her expression became calm again.

-"What power? The only power your race pocess is hiding from the smite of the Emperor!" He spitted in her direction.

The burning inside was just growing stronger and stronger. She kept looking at him, trying to evaluate his Thirst.

-"Does it burn? I'm sorry. Really. I know how you feel, for we all feel the same. This burning will never end. It is the Thirst. The thirst for the pain."

She pressed a button on her bracelet, and a door opened. There were two humans chained on a table. She took a pistol, and shot one in the leg.

Yoren's eyes rolled in extasy, ecstasy while the pain waves were passing through him. The burning stopped.


-"They are yours" She said, while turning her back, leaving.

His cuffs fells on the ground. He looked at the chained men, as the burning started again. He slowly walked near them...



Lady Meylarha was pleased. The next phase was ready. The mutagen was ready to deploy on a planet scale. Billions of humans killing each other to quench their thirst. She couldn't wait!

Interesting idea.  It'd make a wonderful special scenario for a mission.  (All non-DE armies gain Power from Pain.  Any model with Power from Pain adds +1 to the turn number.)
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dumpeal
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PostSubject: Re: Weapon of mass thirst   Tue Jul 14 2015, 00:27

[quote="Jimsolo"]
@dumpeal wrote:
* "It's a real This is within dialogue, so it isn't a RULE, but 'real' and 'really are almost always useless words you can cut.  I don't think you lose anything if you do so here..

I put a few instances of "real" and "really" in her speech to show she just bluntly lie to him. Her "really" have nothing real.

The same as when a dark eldar say to you "it's the truth", do NOT trust him XD
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Jimsolo
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PostSubject: Re: Weapon of mass thirst   Tue Jul 14 2015, 00:33

Fair enough! I thought something like that might be the case.
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