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 Faceless - A (Very) Short Story

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The Pale King
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Join date : 2011-05-14
Location : British Columbia

PostSubject: Faceless - A (Very) Short Story   Sat May 14 2011, 06:51

The following story is the basis of my Kabal and will be what I grow an army from, I am not the best writer so don't expect an amazing story.

****
Faceless
****

Archon Onar scanned the Eldar under his command. He'd called for this meeting as he'd felt something off about the runnings of his Kabal. Any plotters would need to be weeded out and cut down as examples, there would be no betrayal met against him.

He could not ignore a nervous twisting in his gut, the eldar that stared up at his gilded throne seemed unfamiliar. The faces were the same yes, but the look in their eyes, the expressions on their faces... They did not fear him.

His hand reflexively gripped the hilt of his curved blade, he could not show weakness now. "How many slaves were gathered in the last raid?" he questioned a random warrior, who most likely wouldn't know the answer. It would be a good enough reason to behead him.

"Zero, master." the voice of the scarred warrior was mocking, as if the word master would apply to anyone else before Onar.

"Zero, you say? Zero!?" Onar roared, fury flickering in his black eyes. "How did you manage to not capture a single slave?" His rage momentarily pushed aside his anxiety. How dare these peons come before him with such a report.

"Well you see 'master' it's rather hard to capture anyone when you don't leave Commorragh." Spoke up another warrior, this one oozing arrogance like a slug oozes slime.

The Archon was flabbergasted, "What kind of betrayal is this? Do you plan to all become handholding craftworlders!?"

The arrogant warrior merely laughed, "It's pathetic you never noticed, we kill and steal the faces of each and every one of your warriors and you never think past a few plotters trying to take your title. I masterminded your downfall you has been."

Onar finally understood how the familiar faces could be so alien, the minds behind them were not those of his warriors. With a terrifying battle cry the Archon's blade flashed, within seconds two of the changelings were bereft of their heads. So fast were his steps that he seemed to be gliding as he cut down the enemy.

The arrogant warrior seemed determined to fight him one on one, a deadly blade dripping with poison lashed out from his hand. Onar slapped it aside. If this simpleton thought he could best him then he would be cut down.

The warriors around the two fighters jeered and threw insults, backing away from Onar's whipping blade, that had already fatally wounded several bystanders. Meanwhile the so called mastermind seemed to barely hold his own against Onar; the deadly dance of blades had left the mastermind covered in nicks and cuts and Onar had yet to receive a scratch. And that was why, in his own arrogance, Onar never saw it coming. Pain coursed through his chest and with a glance downward his eyes met the huskblade that had run him through from behind. The blade was twisted in his heart and torn out through his side.

The last thing Onar saw was a broad smirk.

****

"Idiot, did he really expect it to come to a duel?" the huskblade wielder sighed dramatically. Turning to the panting 'mastermind' as he continued speaking "Decent job distracting him Tor. Though you could have tried to wound him before I had to step in."

Tor sheathed his venom blade and fell into a deep bow "Yes, Master."
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Rangrok1k
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Join date : 2011-05-19
Location : The Spires of upper Commorragh, amongst the Scourges

PostSubject: Re: Faceless - A (Very) Short Story   Fri May 20 2011, 06:27

@The Pale King wrote:
The following story is the basis of my Kabal and will be what I grow an army from, I am not the best writer so don't expect an amazing story.
WHAT! You're not a professional writer! EGAD!

*Ahem* sarcasm aside, I enjoyed the story, regardless of flaws (which is an achievement in itself actually). Normally grammatical errors throw me off. However, most of your grammatical errors I actually skipped over without noticing. Truthfully, that is all you need for people to enjoy your story.

*Switching to critic mode* The characters are a tad cliché. Onar is practically what I would expect from a default, Archon. The changeling stuff confused me, and I was unsure of what they actually were. At first, I thought of the named character in the Chaos Daemons Codex (Then I thought of Dungeons and Dragons which is probably more accurate to what you intended). This I can forgive, because any continuation would probably end any sort of confusion.

When Onar is stabbed with a Huskblade, I was waiting for a beautifully gruesome scene of his body shriveling and crumbling to nothing but dust in the wind. The result was... dull. It seems you could have replaced "Huskblade" with "Sharp Stick" and the result would have been the same. A Huskblade can cause a Hive Tyrant to die with one swing. It should not be as interchangeable with "Sharp Stick."

*End of criticism mode* Despite the cliché and the slightly disappointing ending, I still enjoyed it. Small quirks and the occasional colorful metaphor put the story above average, just not at the level I expect a professional writer to be at.

Wait, you're not a professional writer? :O
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The Pale King
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PostSubject: Re: Faceless - A (Very) Short Story   Sat May 21 2011, 23:52

Thanks for reading and commenting!

Onar was basically written to be a cliche, since I knew I'd be killing him off right away, and it would be harder for him to fall in this way if he wasn't your typical Archon. I'm hoping the other characters will be less cliche with more information.

The huskblade thing was basically me not being able to find the words to deal with it and pushing the death off screen, I will try to fill that out eventually.

I suppose I should write another piece that actually explains what happened to the old Kabal members, but if you want to know right now you could just PM me.

On grammar, honestly it confuses me how I can find and point out errors in other people's work so easily, but just as easily as I find them elsewhere I miss them in my own work. All my friends get me to edit their English papers and they end up doing better than me in the end.
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Xelkireth
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PostSubject: Re: Faceless - A (Very) Short Story   Mon Jun 06 2011, 06:08

I don't have much to add outside of what Rangrok1k already said. I did enjoy reading it though and hope to see some more.

@The Pale King wrote:
Thanks for reading and commenting!
Onar was basically written to be a cliche, since I knew I'd be killing him off right away, and it would be harder for him to fall in this way if he wasn't your typical Archon. I'm hoping the other characters will be less cliche with more information.
I think this is a huge mistake. There are no typical archons, in my opinion. You shouldn't be able to reach that level of power and ingenuity without being unique. You don't need to go into a lot of detail about someone about to die, but give him enough of a presence that he is still remarkable in some minor way. Writing in cliches kills any story.

@The Pale King wrote:
The huskblade thing was basically me not being able to find the words to deal with it and pushing the death off screen, I will try to fill that out eventually.
That happens to anyone who tackles writing. Sometimes, you just draw a blank. I often write something, only to come back a few days later to reread it. I also send it out to my friends (who also like creative writing) and get peer reviews.

@The Pale King wrote:
I suppose I should write another piece that actually explains what happened to the old Kabal members, but if you want to know right now you could just PM me.
Never reveal your secrets. You may regret them later. You may want to visit back to something at a later date that you've never indulged before.

@The Pale King wrote:
On grammar, honestly it confuses me how I can find and point out errors in other people's work so easily, but just as easily as I find them elsewhere I miss them in my own work. All my friends get me to edit their English papers and they end up doing better than me in the end.
Peer reviews are king. If you ever want help with grammar or what not, PM me and I'll give you my email address. I'll continue to offer as much help as I can as time permits. This goes to anyone.
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Khrivaan
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PostSubject: Re: Faceless - A (Very) Short Story   Tue Jun 14 2011, 14:27

In honour of those comments I'm going to have a character killed by a "sharp stick" when I eventually write up my fluff. I think the best way to develop your story is to let it flow. Spoilers should only be possible when you are certain how it ends - when you've more or less completed it. But it was good for a start. I've certainly read much worse, published no less.

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